This morning I am meditating on transparency and I remembered that time when I was asked to share my testimony at a ladies meeting…but only after the pastor’s wife reviewed and edited my story.  I remember her words vividly.  “Nicky, people don’t need to know everything about you.  Just tell them what Jesus has done” she said.  I remember a friend telling me that I was intimidating because I was so transparent about my own brokenness.  She felt convicted about the dark things she was hiding, I suppose.

It is such a natural, human response, isn’t it.  We want to present our best possible self to the world, while we work hard to cover the hurting, broken mess we really are.  Even now, when someone considers sharing a snippet of their lives, the question whether it’s safe to do so is the first one they ask themselves.  Yet, if we consider the example of Jesus, a very different picture emerges.  For the sake of our freedom and deliverance from death, He allowed Himself to become a public spectacle.  His (literal) nakedness, His humiliation, His pain and despair…nothing was hidden from the eyes of the onlookers. Not only that, but it was captured on the pages of a book that is still the best selling manuscript of all times.  Everyone knew, everyone saw and we still do.  How is that for being utterly transparent and stripped naked?

So I am thinking about this transparency business and I realise it’s a dangerous thing, an unsafe and potentially painful thing, but what happens when we are brave enough to let them see?  I believe the fear of man breaks off us when we realise the Lord has gone before us and He is the only one capable of making a righteous judgment about us.  Not only that, He is the One that fights for us, vindicates us and also the one that heals us from the wounds inflicted by those souls who don’t get it yet.  There is a price to pay for living transparently.  There’s always the potential to be wounded, to be gossiped about, but does that not say more about the person engaging in that behaviour than it does about us?  If we follow Jesus’ example, isn’t there a reward for us also, like we are the reward for His suffering?  Jesus didn’t flinch because His mission was unsafe…why should we consider our safety when eternity is at stake?

If we continue to hide ourselves, for fear of being judged, gossiped about, hurt and wounded…how will they know?

How will the hurting, broken, desperate people who exist beside us know that we know? How will the desperate, suicidal teenager know that we know?  That some of us have been there, that we felt rejected, unloved, unwanted and abandoned by those who were suppose to love and care for us?

How will they know that we know the shame and pain you feel when you walk out of an abortion clinic, your womb empty but your load twice as heavy? That the guilt keeps you up at night, the sight of other babies, alive and well stir up emotions you cannot even express in words?

How will they know that some of us know the depth of pain and despair when a wife finds out her husband has been addicted to pornography for longer than she’s known him…that he has been paying for prostitutes, having one night stands, a mistress on the side…

How will they know we know fear, anxiety, despair and hopelessness when we hear that death sentence spoken over us by the doctor we looked to for healing, when we get that phone call we never want to get, when the police car pulls into our driveway in the middle of the night, when the best laid plans turns to custard?  How will they know we know what it’s like to lose a job, a house, a friendship, a loved one?  How will they know we know betrayal, shame, grief and suffering…just as well as they do?

How will they know we are so familiar with the depth of shame, guilt, condemnation and revulsion that husband feels when he breaks the silent promise to himself that he will never do it again, whether it’s feeding that addiction, beating his wife or child, losing money gambling and then he does?  How will they know we know about fear, about innocently suffering at the hands of another, that we know the fallout of every depravity they face and we don’t live squeaky clean, perfect lives?  How will they know if we don’t tell them?

More importantly, how will they know that in the midst of our pain, our despair, our brokenness, our shame and guilt, our filth and our mess, a Saviour appears every time when we call to Him.  How will they know about our loving Father, who runs to us in the midst of all of this, a Father who scoops us up and cradles us in His arms and kisses the pain away?

How will they know about the blood of the Lamb that washes our stains away, that covers our sin and shame and heals our every disease?  How will they know that we know a God who is attracted to us because of our pain, our shame, our humiliation, our filth and our depravity?  How will they even know they need Him, when they still believe their efforts to medicate their pain away with their addictions, their denial, their desperate search for meaning and joy will pay off in the end?  When they are still convinced that one day that perfect partner, that perfect cocktail, that perfect pill, that perfect job, that perfect car, that perfect lotto ticket or that perfect cosmetic surgeon will appear?  How will they know we tried all that and it didn’t work?  How will they know if we don’t tell them?

I’m calling to the brave, the delivered, the healed, the unconditionally loved, the ones who know Him as Healer, Saviour, Deliverer, Redeemer, Teacher, Friend…I’m calling on you to tell them, because they don’t know and the enemy wants to keep them ignorant, falling over themselves in darkness and despair.  We know and so should they.

We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honour beside God’s throne.

Hebrews 12:2 NLT

I find myself in a season of revision where I felt directed by the Holy Spirit to re-read some books I read in previous seasons, to bring before the Healer some wounds that tore open during the strain of seeking breakthrough to the more of God and to cement some truths I discovered in seasons past.

Holy Spirit has been reminding me of prophetic words spoken over my life that I still have to contend for; of victories I have won and of breakthroughs successfully negotiated.  During this time of seeking the Lord and waiting patiently upon Him I have a very strong impression that many of God’s children already know what they are called to do…now we have to wait on Him to tell us  how to go about the tasks at hand.  We need divine strategy to negotiate the next season well and the only way we will find what we are looking for is as we spend time in His presence.  We can no longer rely on our old, tried and trusted strategies.  If we want the “greater” and the “more”, we are going to need to change tactics.

As I am meditating upon these insights and thoughts I am reminded of my own school days and I see a spiritual truth emerge as I look on the process of progression through my school years.  I know the process in schools look a little different these days and that I am seriously giving my age away.

Being born again is like going to school for the very first time.  The environment is strange, the people are strange, everything is new and exciting and you learn so much, so quickly.  You progress and before you know it enough progress have been made for you to be in a grade where you are required to pass exams or tests.

Again a process has to take place.  You arrive with some knowledge, yet you find yourself somewhere you have never been before.  A new teacher is presenting new, more challenging material for you to absorb. You arrive, still on a high from being successful the year before, only to discover very quickly that you know less than you thought you knew.  So you allow yourself to be taken down a peg, you learn, time passes and then it’s there – exam time rolls around.

Before any exam every good teacher will lead students into a time of revision where you cover everything from the beginning, making sure you have your facts straight.  Then the dreaded exam, an emotionally charged, exhausting and draining time at best.  After the exam you are graded and again a good teacher will not only reveal the results, but will walk students through the paper itself.  There is as much learning taking place then as there was before the exam took place in the first place.  Students are shown the correct answer to each question and are helped to discover where they went wrong in their thinking.  If you made the grade – promotion to the next grade, if not, revision and a second exam for you!  Only if students still did not apply themselves again where they required to re-do the whole year.

Right now I am at the “Teacher is revising the exam paper with me” phase.  This is where I have the opportunity to revisit some of the truths and concepts I learned in the previous seasons and where I make some adjustments in order to negotiate the next season successfully.  It is important for each one of us to identify where we are in this process and to yield to the Teacher as it is appropriate.

Many people have had new seasons prophesied over them, some are already on the brink of this new season and some are steadily making progress towards it. They have passed some major tests and are ready for promotion. The question is how do we negotiate the new season?

The first and most important thing is that we have not been here before.  Yes, we arrive with much knowledge and experience, but we have much to learn.  We need to humble ourselves, recognise that we have much to learn and submit ourselves to the teachers and leaders appointed by the Lord to take us into this season.  There are apostles, prophets and teachers the Lord has prepared for us – our job is to recognise them with the help of Holy Spirit and to learn from them.

It takes much humility and trust to learn from other people.  Pride says “the Holy Spirit can teach me”, forgetting that God has always chosen people to speak for Him.  Even the Word of God, our Holy Bible was scribed by people working under inspiration of Holy Spirit.  God is the same today – He still use people to speak through and our job is to recognise His voice, regardless of the vessel He chooses to use.

Why trust?  Because Insecurity says “I am a teacher myself, I am called to teach so I do not need to learn from other people” or “I am called to minister, not to sit at someone else’s feet”.  Sadly, before you can be a great teacher you have to be a great student.  We have much to distrust.  We have been hurt, we’ve been let down, disappointed and abused in some cases, yet we place our trust in the Lord, not in man and believe Him when He says He plans for us a great future.

We have another choice though.  We can stay where we are and become an expert on that level – even teach many great truths right there –  but we will forever see people arrive, learn from us, make the grade and go on to surpass us to the “greater” and the “more”.  Fear and pride will keep us stuck and self-delusion will tell us that it’s the Lord’s will for us.  Not so.

Jesus says these words to His disciples to encourage them as He prepares to leave:

Do not let your hearts be troubled (distressed, agitated). You believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely on God; believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely also on Me. (John 14: 1 AMP)

Right there is where we put our trust – in Jesus Christ. He goes on to say this:

Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in Me? What I am telling you I do not say on My own authority and of My own accord; but the Father Who lives continually in Me does the (His) works (His own miracles, deeds of power).

Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father in Me; or else believe Me for the sake of the [very] works themselves. [If you cannot trust Me, at least let these works that I do in My Father’s name convince you.]

I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone steadfastly believes in Me, he will himself be able to do the things that I do; and he will do even greater things than these, because I go to the Father.

 And I will do [I Myself will grant] whatever you ask in My Name [as presenting all that I Am], so that the Father may be glorified and extolled in (through) the Son.

[Yes] I will grant [I Myself will do for you] whatever you shall ask in My Name [as presenting all that I Am].

 If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands.

 And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever—

The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you.

I will not leave you as orphans [comfortless, desolate, bereaved, forlorn, helpless]; I will come [back] to you. (John 14: 10 – 18 AMP)

And also:

 Jesus answered, If a person [really] loves Me, he will keep My word [obey My teaching]; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home (abode, special dwelling place) with him.

 Anyone who does not [really] love Me does not observe and obey My teaching. And the teaching which you hear and heed is not Mine, but [comes] from the Father Who sent Me. I have told you these things while I am still with you. But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you. (John 14: 23 – 26)

Let us therefore make up our minds that we will submit ourselves to learn, to be taught and to heed the word of the Lord, whichever way He presents it to us.  Let us be diligent students of the Word and thankful for the teachers who will come to us…for when the student is ready, the teacher will come.

While I was in Vanuatu I was asked to speak in church. As usual I was travelling with more notes and pre-prepared sermons than I expected to use, but as I had been given enough warning I wanted to share something fresh from the Lord. I started to pay attention to my dreams…would the Lord use one of them as He often does? I started to read not just chapters of the Bible, but whole books at a time, expecting for Him to speak that way, as He often does. I was listening for the Spirit’s whisper, waiting, ever hopeful for a profound revelation to share with an expectant audience, the way He usually speaks. But the Lord was unusually silent.

For a whole week – nothing! Then Holy Spirit gave me eyes to see and I realized the Lord had been speaking loud and clear all week, but because I had a pre-conceived idea, based on previous experience, I was blind to the message. All week, my travel companion and I had been favored. We never waited for a bus (unusual in Vanuatu, where everyone and his dog use public transport), we never waited for a water taxi (same story – it doesn’t leave until there are a certain numbers of passengers) or for a spot in our favorite café, even though huge ocean liners spat swarms of tourists out in the port as regular as clock work. We were an offered taxi trip for less than the price of the bus, the best table in the nicest restaurant on Iririki was ours and we were even offered land to build a missionary training centre – at the owner’s expense! Suddenly it seemed as if people were throwing stuff at us – blessings were overtaking us.

It was only after Holy Spirit enlightened me and I started to count those little favors and blessings that I realized the extent of it. I had my message, titled “Expect favor”. Then we moved on to Fiji, eventually I returned home and tried to settle into the usual routines of being wife and housekeeper. It’s strange, but on the mission field hardship is easy and here, in the privileged first world, comfort and complacency is hard and my memory seems very short.

So, this morning, while I am contemplating the hardship of assimilating back into the normal and mundane and meditating on a prophetic word I received regarding a new season I am entering, I found myself thinking “new levels, new devils”. This is a common saying circulating through the church and it implies that with every promotion in the spirit, there will be an increased level of opposition and attack. As I started to come into agreement with this though, I heard Holy Spirit whisper “expect favor” and suddenly I remembered the week of overwhelming favor and blessing and I realized that right there is the reality of kingdom living. I had to confess and repent of my agreement with the enemy. Whom the Lord promotes, He also protects and favors and blesses and keeps.

Jeremiah 29:11 has been a favorite scripture of mine for a very long time.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Like I said, my memory is short but Holy Spirit reminds me of everything the Lord has said and suddenly, again, I feel overwhelmed by my own lack of faith, and by the enormity of the Father’s love for us. Father loves us and plans for us a future where we are prosperous in every way, where we will be promoted and have angels assigned to us to keep us safe, where we can live in hope and live free from every tie that bind us. Instead of girding our loins in anticipation of the next battle, fortifying our walls to keep any and every perceived enemy out, we should be expecting favor, prosperity and know that the hope we place in Him will never leave us ashamed. We need our expectation redeemed and our memories of past experiences healed. So this morning, all I can say is, “Come, Holy Spirit, come!”

Lord Jesus, do a new thing, touch our hearts, our minds, redeem our memories and experiences and help us to renew our mind, so that we can think Kingdom thoughts, that we can expect blessing and favor to be our portion. Heal us, Lord, from every lie that we believe, set us free from every tie that bind and reveal to us the Father’s love.

I am writing from my soul’s home…Vanuatu, the friendliest place on earth. My culture is rooted in the Kingdom of God, my gene pool is a strange mix of African and European settler, my stomach is decidedly Asian, but my heart is Island all the way.

A strange thing seems to be happening to me of late.  As I said, my culture is Kingdom culture and I started to read the gospels again, searching out everything Jesus taught about the Kingdom of God.  As a daughter adopted into this Kingdom, I want to know all I can. I want to know more, because Jesus teaches us to pray for the Kingdom to come, on earth, as it is in heaven.  If Kingdom living was only for when we depart this world, surely He would have told us so and if I am to represent and cultivate that Kingdom here, I need to know some things. This quest has taken me on a journey of discovery that seems to frustrate me more often than it delights me. For every answer I find, I seem to uncover more questions.

Back to the strange thing…suddenly I am seeing obscure little verses, phrases or even just a word here and there, tucked away between the awesome stories I am so familiar with. I seemed to have moved from not just reading the lines, or even reading between the lines, but to read way beyond the lines and I find the journey fascinating.  If you have read the entry for May, you might recall me quoting Ephesians 2:6 “and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus”.  Since then I am still meditating on this and  I spend a lot of time imagining what this seat looks like and where it is.  I read accounts from people who had heavenly visitations, I drive my friends crazy talking about it and from time to time I even find myself wondering what I could do to twist Father’s arm to let me have a visitation too. I’d really like to see that seat!

Then this morning, as I am sitting here, listening to the sound of island birds, inhaling the tropical air, I find another one of the little hidden gems.  John 1: 18 read: “No one has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, He has declared Him.” Do you see it? Jesus is in the bosom of the Father.  Is…present tense.  Yesterday, Jesus is in the bosom of the Father, today, He is in the bosom of the Father and forever He is in the bosom of the Father, and I, in Christ, am seated in heavenly places. Can this be true? Can I also be in the bosom of the Father?

I looked up the Greek word for “bosom” and I expected it to translate to “heart”, but what I found astonished me.  It is the Greek word “kolpos” and means “in front of the body, between the arms”.  Now I know Jesus is seated at the right hand of the Father and I have just read He is in the bosom of the Father, just as I know Jesus was in the bosom of the Father, while simultaneously walking the earth  and as I said, every time I think I have an answer, I uncover more questions, but I have to admit, I love the notion of being cradled in Abba’s arms. Could that be where sons and daughters are seated? Could we dare to dream that we are cradled in front of Abba’s body, between His arms? I haven’t seen it yet, but I sure have felt His breath on my head.

Now I know every piece of writing needs an introduction, a middle and an end. I delivered on the intro, you got the middle bit, but as for the end…you will have to watch this space.

God Bless,  Nicky…

Here I am, sitting at the kitchen table of Mission House, Ayungon, Philippines, reflecting on my first ten days.  I can tell you about the struggles of the missionaries I am visiting, I can try and describe washing from a bucket of cold water and dealing with the blocked toilet, about constant emails, trying to raise funds and four-hour long trips to the city using three different modes of public transport, only to find the bank account still empty.

I would be able to entertain you with descriptions of tricycle rides, where 12 people all squeeze onto a small vehicle, clutching bags of shopping, rice and buckets of smelly fish, or Erla and I balancing a bunch of coconuts on our knees because the roof space is taken up by the box with our weekly shop.

I can tug at your heart strings by telling stories of sad children, burdened mothers, despondent fathers, dirt, depravity and oppression. I can do all of those but I won’t.  I would rather tell you about the fun we are having, dancing around to the beat of a badly played drum, waving our banners, swishing our ribbons.  I would rather you know about the young girl who turned up last night to look for someone to pray with her.  You see, she had been to the service in the plaza and heard about this Jesus Who loves her and she wanted to come and meet with Him.

I want to tell you about the blind man, Henry, who found his way over after Jesus told him to come.  Henry, who learned to play the keyboard from tinkering on a child’s toy and now followed the worship team practicing in the kitchen – the only place big enough for a drum kit.  I want to fill you in on the little children who laid hands on Henry and prayed a prayer full of faith for Henry’s eyes to be restored – the same little hands laid on my head when a headache sent by the enemy tried to lay me low.

You need to hear about young people so hungry for Life and Light, that they come early on Sunday morning, bringing their own chairs rather than miss out on hearing the word of God,  broken and abused young men who come and sit on the step to read a daily devotional left in the kitchen.

God is good and He is madly in love with all His children and here I see Him lavishing His love on the marginalised and the hurting. I love Him even more for it.  I love Him for changing my heart, for breaking it and filling it with compassion to overflowing.  I love Him for doing it for me, because my heart was hard and calloused and in and of myself I had nothing to offer these precious ones, but now I have the map to living water, where they are free to drink until they too will overflow into their nation.

A little girl bangs on the door.  I open and she says: “Mum didn’t knock loud enough!”  She’s on a mission, so focused that I don’t get my customary hug.  I have to call her back, teasing her about something, as I always do.  She has a little ziplock bag in hand – she brought a gift.  In the baggie is enough money to pay school fees for another little one, far away.

We have a little ceremony – with little one hiding behind mum’s legs.  I am sure there was a speech prepared, but the moment became just too big for one little girl. So mum explains…her pocket money is divided in three.  One third is for saving, the second is for sowing and the last for spending.  So she comes out from behind mum’s legs, she hands over her ziplock bag, she poses for a photo and sits down on the edge of the sofa.  Something’s up.  More to share and again mum must help.

The story is shared and a little hand opens, reluctantly, to reveal a few sweaty coins.  She counts them one last time.  “What will this buy where you live?”  The receiver is speechless, so all eyes are on me now.  “Well, that depends.  Some lollies cost more than others, but I am sure something nice can be bought for that.”  Not a satisfactory answer at all, the frown tells me so.  She hops up and quickly hands them over – almost as if she’s afraid she will change her mind.

So let me share that story too.  The coins in her hand represent half of her “spending third”.  Giving the third meant for “sowing” wasn’t hard – it never belonged to her.  Even when the gift was given, it wasn’t hers to keep.  Giving that portion was good and noble, a lovely thing for a little one to do.  But the coins clutched in a little hand…the giving hurt.  Really hurt.

So I find myself standing before my Father, clutching a fist-full of coins in a sweaty palm, thinking of the scene I witnessed just hours ago.  Giving Him praise and honour and worship and glory is easy – it never belonged to me in the first place, not mine to keep.  It’s the thought of letting go of the pain of a stab in the back, a stab in the heart, offering forgiveness for offence and repentance for sin, my portion to keep if I want to, that causes me to hold on a little tighter.  Like the little one, I count the coins in my hand one last time – “what will this buy in the kingdom where You live?”, I ask.  Like the little one, I drop the coins in an outstretched hand, quickly, before I change my  mind.  This kind of giving hurts…

Recently we have rediscovered a song from years ago, by a South African artist I cannot remember the name of.  We sing it loud and we are convinced that we are not in denial.  Last night, as my husband and I took a little drive in the evening, it played and I sang – until Holy Spirit started to speak to my heart.  First I sang, and then I cried, because I could hear Jesus speak to me, as He did to the disciples, so long ago…

Then Jesus went with them to a garden called Gethsemane and told His disciples, “Stay here while I go over there and pray.” Taking along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, He plunged into an agonizing sorrow. Then He said, “This sorrow is crushing my life out. Stay here and keep vigil with me.”

Going a little ahead, He fell on his face, praying, “My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do You want?”

When He came back to his disciples, He found them sound asleep. He said to Peter, “Can’t you stick it out with Me a single hour? Stay alert; be in prayer so you don’t wander into temptation without even knowing you’re in danger. There is a part of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there’s another part that’s as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire.” Matthew 26: 36 – 41The Message

The song I sang goes like this:  “He has fire in His eyes and a sword in His hand and He’s riding a white horse across this land and He’s calling out to you and me…”will you ride with Me, will you ride with Me? And we say Yes! Yes! Lord! We’ll ride with You!”

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“Yes, Lord, we’ll ride with You.  We will stand up and fight!  We will ride with the armies of heaven; we’ll be dressed in white…”  You get the picture, I’m sure.  Like I said, we sing it with gusto, convinced that we are telling it as it is.  Like the disciples in the garden, we have the best intentions – the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

We say “Yes Lord” with our lips but our actions say something else.  Our actions say “Yes Lord… but remember, You need to read the small print I added to the contract before You sign me up”.  We say “yes” to Sunday morning’s church service, but not to the hospital visit on Sunday afternoon, when we nap to prepare for the next week’s slog.  We say “yes” to putting change into the offering bag, but not to the sacrificial giving that hurts.
We’ll ride with the armies of heaven, but not into the enemy’s camp, not into the far-away land, where they feed us weird food and let us sleep on a mat.  We’ll be dressed in white…when You clean us and we do not have to repent for our food addiction or our porn habit and we do not have to walk away from a destructive relationship or yet another gossip session.

Yes Lord, I’ll ride with You…if all my friends are coming too; Yes Lord, I’ll stand up and fight, but not if it calls me to fast for more than the period between breakfast and lunch or pray through the night.  I’ll ride with the armies of heaven…but not after a long day’s work when I’d rather chill out with something godly like a Christian movie, before I’m early to bed.  “Yes Lord” unless I have to forgive those who hurt me, lay down my pride, love the unlovable. “Yes Lord…”

There’s another verse that goes like this:  “That fire in His eyes is His love for His bride and He’s longing that she’ll be with Him, right by His side.  That fire is the burning desire is that His bride be with Him, right by His side and He’s calling out to you and me…Will You ride with Me?”  And we say “Yes Lord, we’ll ride with You”..if it’s not too uncomfortable, if we overnight in 5-star accommodation, if it’s paid for by someone else, if we have plenty to eat and we ride in style.  Yes Lord, unless it’s too cold, too hot, too dirty, too expensive, too miserable, too confronting, too sick, too sad…because I’m frail Lord and war is dirty business.

Yes Lord, I’ll ride with You…if my friends are right by my side, my husband, my husband, the children, the parents…Yes Lord, I’ll ride with You… if You make me invisible, You know what my boss and my colleagues are like!  Yes Lord, I’ll stand up and fight…after You bless me and after You take my pain away, and You cure me of my insatiable appetite for the things of this world, You pamper my flesh and You sooth my brow.

“Yes Lord, I’ll ride with the armies of heaven, I’ll be dressed in white” but only if You turn those fiery eyes on me Lord, and burn away the dross.  If You illuminate the dark recesses of my heart, where pride resides, where darkness breeds, where the flesh reigns.  Because that is what it will take – death by fire – the fire of the Lover’s gaze upon a bride that He longs for day and night, a bride worthy of the greatest sacrifice.  A life for a life.  The price was paid, His sacrifice was made.  It is finished.  How do you respond to that…

My husband is known for his “green thumbs”.  He is able to make something grow where many have tried and failed.  Recently he has tried to grow some purple carrots.  You’d think growing a vegetable as common and humble as the carrot is simple, but apparently not.  His carrots resembled beets, only they were the ugliest, most gnarly roots I have ever seen.  They were even unfit for the juicer, as they were so gnarly that it was impossible to get rid of the sand and dirt trapped in the folds.

I did some research and learned that in order to grow healthy, straight carrots, you have to dig down deep.  You have to remove every stone, stick and piece of debris you can find, as even the smallest obstacle will stop the carrot from growing straight.  This was the mistake my husband made – he did not go deep enough when he prepared the seedbed.  The deeper soil was still full of rocks and debris and that caused his carrots to grow into such grotesque-looking fruit.

Our hearts are seedbeds too.  God says in Jeremiah 2:21

21 But I was the one who planted you, choosing a vine of the purest stock—the very best.  How did you grow into this corrupt wild vine? (NLT)
21 Yet I had planted you [O house of Israel] a choice vine, wholly of pure seed. How then have you turned into degenerate shoots of wild vine alien to Me?  Amplified

The Lord is speaking to the house of Israel, and to us.  He asks a very valid question – If I have planted you as a noble vine, from altogether pure and incorruptible seed, how did you become gnarly, altogether not resembling Me?

The answer I believe lies in the seedbed, with my husband’s carrots.  We settle for shallow.  Shallow is easy, we do not have to turn over much soil, we do not have to remove too many stones and we are lazy.  Shallow means safe also.  If you go into the shallow end of a pool, or a river, you do not have to use any energy to stay head above water.  There is a bottom under your feet; it takes no effort and no trust to stay alive.  Even as Christians we spend our lives in the shallow end, where it takes little faith and even less effort.  We allow the pastor to take responsibility for our spiritual wellbeing – after all that’s why we tithe – so that he or she can be paid to teach us.  We cultivate shallow friendships – they are easy to maintain and you can walk away as soon as it requires too much effort.  We skim over the Word of God, shallow reading does not require much contemplation, we get to pick and choose a few favorite verses and we disregard the ones that demand that we change our selfish ways.  Shallow says it is OK to demand to be first, have your own way and walk away when the going gets tough.

We refuse to get rid of the stones that hide beneath the surface and we try to convince those that God has prepared to eat the fruit that we have cultivated, that it’s good for eating – hoping they would be deceived as much as we are in denial.  Isn’t that what fruit is for?  Food?  When the Lord calls us to bear fruit, is it not so that the lost and hungry can come to us and be nourished?  Find something healthy and nourishing to eat?

For some time I have had some ideas tumbling around in my head and it all came to a head when one morning, just as I was waking up, heard Jesus say “I am the Fruit”.  This single phrase has led me on a treasure hunt and I suspect the end of this search is a long way off.  In my spirit I sense that this phrase spoken into my barely conscious mind had something profound to do with my search for the deep things of God.

For some time now I have been dissatisfied with being shallow, thinking shallow, believing shallow, living shallow.  Going deep…this is something I have been asking the Lord, to take me deeper.  I read Psalm 42
1 As the hart pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.
2 My inner self thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?
7 [Roaring] deep calls to [roaring] deep at the thunder of Your waterspouts; all Your breakers and Your rolling waves have gone over me. (This is how I felt – totally overwhelmed)
8 Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I will say to God my Rock, Why have You forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
10 As with a sword [crushing] in my bones, my enemies taunt and reproach me, while they say continually to me, Where is your God?
11 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God. (AMP)

And so, little by little a puzzle is pieced together for me.  As a child of the Most High God, I am called to bear fruit, so that a dying, malnourished world can come and eat, and be made whole.

In order for me to grow fruit that suits my origin, nobility, I have to cultivate the soil of my heart, so that the seedbed that will nourish and grow the incorruptible seed that God has planted, is free of debris, not only on the surface, but deep down. It’s not my “deep” calling to God’s, it’s His “deep” calling me!  It’s not me desperate to look like Him, it’s Him desperate for me to look like His Son.

1 Corinthians 2:10 in the Message version reads:  The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God, and brings out what God planned all along.

The way that I cultivate deep down, is to hope in God, to wait expectantly on Him and in all things to praise Him.  The word “praise” in the Hebrew is “Yadah”, which can also be translated as “giving thanks”.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 in the Amplified version reads:  Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful andgive thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

And so I discovered the secret of going deep, deep enough to be able to cultivate the kind of fruit that resembles Jesus, the incorruptible Seed from which we have been generated.  It is to give thanks in all things.  So I am on a quest – to find ways to thank the Lord in everything, whether good or bad, like Jesus did.  So, Jesus is indeed the fruit that we cultivate when we choose to live gratefully.

Let me finish with the example Jesus set for us.  Matthew 26:26

Now as they were eating, Jesus took bread and, praising God, gave thanks and asked Him to bless it to their use, and when He had broken it, He gave it to the disciples and said, Take, eat; this is My body.

Jesus, knowing exactly what is about to come, praises God and gives thanks.  He digs down deep, recognises the grace of God contained in the hard, in the difficult and He gives thanks for the bread, the humble, the simple…the bread, the blessing from the Father’s hand…and He prepares to be the First Fruit.

In his letter to the Colossians, the apostle Paul writes “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.” Col. 3:1 – 4

Often we hear that we are to nail ourselves to the cross that we have to surrender all to the Lord, that we have to let go and let God…yet we live in fear, with insecurity, with no sense of purpose and craving for the boldness and the victorious life we know we are called to.  We live weak, powerless lives, we do not see the glory and power of God manifest in, around and through us.
It seems like an impossible feat, so often I think we just give up.  We take up our burdens, carry them for a while but then, like I do often, you come to your senses, wondering what you are doing and you get back on the cross.  Up, down, up down, never really getting anywhere and never really walking in the full authority delegated to us by Christ Jesus.

Let’s go back to Calvary, where it all started.  Jesus was a man, like us, flesh and blood.  Jesus was filled with Holy Spirit, like we are.  Jesus hung on that cross voluntarily, as should we.  How did He do it?  Knowing what was about to happen to Him, how did He manage to stay the course?  I believe once we have an answer to this question, we would find it so much easier to nail ourselves to our own crosses.

Jesus knew Who His Father was.  He had not only an intimate knowledge of who God is, but He knew who He was.  Jesus had full confidence that His Father would do exactly what He said He would do.  He trusted that He would rise from the grave – He was going to because He knew His Father would never, ever fail Him because He is the Son of God.

My theory is that we have this incredible need to be in control of whatever is going on around us because in our hearts we do not have full confidence that our heavenly Father will come for us.  We do not really believe that He will not fail us.  This, for many of us comes from the voice of the enemy, reminding us of the times we prayed and “weren’t” heard.  We believe that in order for something to be true we have to be able to figure it out with our minds – a simple “no” from the Lord is not enough.  We insist on questioning, reasoning, nagging even and when the Lord stills says “No” without any further explanation, we just give up on Him and decide that He is not to be trusted.  We then devise theologies and reasoning to support our thinking and so we create these strongholds in our minds and we are set on course for living without the security that we should have (like Jesus had), simply because of our position as sons and daughters.  Once we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour, we are seated in heavenly places and all the resources of the Kingdom of God is at our disposal.  Yet we live like beggars, eating from rubbish bins.  We watch our children, we hoard our resources, we guard our homes, our spouses, our positions, in fact we spend all our energy preserving what we have, never going on to the attack often simply because we just do not have the energy.

When you really grasp Who your Father is, when you trust His Word, when you believe that He will do exactly as He says you can relax.  You are able to confront the enemy and say with full conviction “Leave me alone.  My Father says if you contend with me, you contend with Him, my Father says my children He will save (Is 49:25), you touch them, you touch Him.  You can boldly say to the spirit of infirmity – be gone with you, my Father says through Jesus’ death on the cross all my sickness is healed.  You can confidently lay your hands on the sick, command healing knowing that Abba is backing you up, Jesus said so.  Understand, dear friends, that when you roar at the enemy, even if it comes out as a squeak, Jesus roars loud and clear, when you need protection the Word says Abba tucks you under His wing, when you proclaim victory over any situation, the voice of God thunders in the heavenlies – ON YOUR BEHALF.  When you surrender your stuff, your job, your position, your ministry, your reputation, your hopes and dreams to the Lord and Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy, he does not take from you; he takes from Yahweh, Almighty God Himself!  Will he ever get away with it? Never!

So today I challenge you to give it up – all those things you hang on so tightly, even the hurt and disappointment of the past.  The dreams that never came to fulfillment, give it up.  Allow everything you have, everything you are and everything you hope to be, to belong to the Lord.  When you do, you will be able to say with full conviction, like David: I will extol the Lord at all times; His praise will always be on my lips. I will glory in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt His name together.  I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lordencamps around those who fear him, and He delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people, for those who fear Him lack nothing. Psalm 34:1 – 9

Many times as I talk with Christian brothers and sisters, they express the same fear.  They tell me that they know how weak they are and that they are afraid that they might backslide and fall away altogether.   I have struggled with the same fear and I too, have heard the voice of the enemy, trying to convince me that I am not right with God.  I battle doubt too, from time to time.  We have to make up our minds that doubt and fear will not be the final authority over us, but that we will submit everything to the Word of God.
The Word says in Jude 1:24
Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault.
And in  John 6: 35 – 40
35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. 36 But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. 37 All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. 38 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent Me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day.40 For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.”
Psalm 23:3, 4  He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.   NIV
When we are weak, when we transgress, when we are confronted with the condition of our hearts – even things that are so bad that it could lead us to spiritual death, Jesus is more than able to preserve us.  The Father’s will is still (as it’s been from the beginning of time) that none should be lost.  How much more is that true for us, adopted into his family by the sacrifice of Jesus.
When we go through the “valley of the shadow of (spiritual) death”  – those times when we have to deal with hidden sin, the attitudes of our heart, where we begin to understand how far we stray from the Lord’s will and purpose for our lives, we can rest assured that He will guide us with His staff and that he will discipline us with His rod of correction – to preserve us so he is able to present us blameless, without a single fault.
Every Christian will pass through this valley, the place where we begin to be complacent, the place where we lose concentration, those times when we get tired or just plain lazy. It is in these times when we become vulnerable to the enemy, where the shadow of spiritual death begins to hover closer.  It is in these times, the times when we doubt our salvation, where we are exasperated, frustrated, upset, ill, in pain, whatever it is that happens,  that the enemy convinces us that Jesus is not enough. When all of a sudden we begin to doubt the work done on the cross, our standing with the Lord, our ability to hear His voice, the lack of spiritual fruit in our lives and our inability to move in the gifts of Holy Spirit, we have to refocus.  We have to fix our eyes on Jesus again and we have to choose to believe every promise given to us in the Word of God.
We have to remind ourselves of the scriptures I quoted, and many other like these.  We cannot trust in our emotions, we cannot trust in our ability to interpret what we see in the physical world around us, we cannot trust the voices of even Christian brothers, sisters and leaders.  We can only allow ourselves to trust in the Word and promises of the Lord.  Before Jesus died, He said “It is finished”.  It is indeed finished.  The work was done at the cross.  All we need to do is to stay buried in Jesus and trust Him to present us to the Father, washed in His own blood.  Father, Son and Holy Spirit is the same yesterday, today and forever.  They do not move, they do not change – we do.
So let us make up our minds that we will submit ourselves to the Lord’s rod and staff, that we will allow Him to teach and train, discipline and guide us through the scriptures and through the Holy Spirit.  Let us be quick to repent and turn back to Him and let us follow closely behind Him as He leads us in the way everlasting.