A personal testimony – the story of pain, despair, anger and a Hero to the rescue
“He Knows”
All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low
And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show
All the doubt you’re standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees
He knows, He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows, He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows, He knows
We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows
The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free
Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the broken-hearted
Every tear
He knows, He knows
There are some stories that are ready to be told in its entirety…this isn’t one of them. This isn’t a pretty story or a witty story, but it’s a true story and it belongs to more than one of us, if we care to admit it. I give this disclaimer, begging your forgiveness and patience as I speak in code at times, but one day, when the time is right, it will be told.
January 2016, as most people’s spoken New Year’s resolutions were still hanging heavy in the air, my world fell apart. In one fell swoop, everything that I believed to be true about a huge part of my life, was revealed as being one big lie. Excruciating emotional pain became a very close friend…some days so close that it squeezed the air from my lungs. I learned that when overwhelming pain is this close, God seems very, very far away.
I stopped eating, with prescription medication I could not sleep for more than 4 or 5 broken hours every night and I suffered panic attacks. I was now one of a rapidly expanding club (in the body of Christ) – clinically depressed. Eventually a counsellor confirmed that I was suffering from PTSD and that set in motion the discovery of the Complex PTSD I lived with since childhood – a direct result of trauma suffered in my formative years. Like someone with one short leg, I learned to compensate, limping along all my life, oblivious of how many deep wounds I learned to live with.
So here I am, spiritually mature, an ordained pastor, ministry founder, the one “everyone” calls when they need prayer or they have a problem to discuss and all I can manage (the few times that I managed to pray) was “Help me!!” or sadly “Why won’t You help me?!”. I used to be the one people would go to for answers, for wisdom, for encouragement and now I was running on empty. What a humbling experience…one I wouldn’t like to repeat anytime soon, if ever.
It’s in times like these where we begin to sound like Job (yes, I read Job, trying to encourage myself that it could have been worse), ranting and venting and weeping in our despair, looking for some relief from the agony within, only to find yourself clamming up and becoming silent, morose and wallowing in self-pity, or maybe that’s just me. I felt like I had become invisible to the Father. I could not see Him, feel Him or hear Him. I struggled to pray and my brain became Swiss cheese, so reading the Word became an impossible task. I gave up. I was caught in a rip and struggling to fight my way out of it was going to get me drowned, so I gave up fighting it and I allowed myself to be swept out to sea.
Before the bomb dropped on my head, I was planning my birthday present…I was going to order prophetic worship flags from a ministry in America. I wanted to give up on that plan, after all, I didn’t think I would ever be able to raise a flag in worship ever again (I was wallowing, I know) but my husband insisted I go ahead. It took months to arrive.
I missed Sunday morning services, stopped taking most calls, stopped blogging (you noticed, haven’t you), stopped responding to messages on social media and eventually didn’t bother getting out of bed, just having a quick shower before my husband was due home from work, trying to hide how bad things had gotten. He knew and he was fighting a spiritual battle against depression and the spirit of suicide on my behalf. I felt like my life and the ministry was over and I acted like it too.
(When we tell our stories, we tend to minimize or spiritualize the battle, but I am sharing the gory details for a reason. Unless you know how deep I sank into the dark pit of despair, what I am going to tell you next won’t seem as profound, so thanks for bearing with me.)
Then it arrived – my flags – and with it, an A4 sheet of paper, informing me of the prophetic meaning of my flags, the colors used and the oil it was anointed with. You have to bear in mind, these were produced in America and the only information I shared was my name and address.
It read: “The name of your flags is Bursting Forth With Joy. The colors of your flags are white, representing joy, chartreuse green representing hope, turquoise (my FAVORITE color) representing life-giving flow of the Holy Spirit and royal blue, representing the Truth of God’s Word.
The verses that go with these flags are Malachi 4:2, But for you who revere My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.
Romans 7:22 TPT Now may God, the inspiration and foundation of hope, fill you to overflowing with uncontainable joy and perfect peace as you trust in Him.”
That wasn’t all. It came with the following instruction: “Choose joy. Choose it over self-pity. Choose it over depression and sadness. Refuse melancholy. Step into the fullness of Father God’s joy. It is your strength. A gift from Him. Walk in it.”
Finally, I read “It’s been prayed over and anointed with an oil called Everlasting Joy, which is used as a reminder your joy is not dependent on your circumstances, it is a gift from God”. That was me told! I checked, there’s a verse associated with the oil too – Isaiah 61:7. Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. (NLT) Incidentally, the only book managed to read throughout the preceding months was Isaiah 61!
I realized that He knew…all along, He saw me, He heard me and He knew. When I was ready to hear, He spoke and what He says is true. You see, sometimes people sin against you, you don’t get to choose the consequence – they chose on your behalf. You don’t always sign up for the trails, the test and the tribulation that come your way, you just get caught up in a rip and you get pulled along. You do, however get to choose your response to it. You get to choose whether you will allow the enemy to have his way or whether you will trust the Father to do what only He can do.
Just last night, I read Psalm 50 in the Passion Translation. Verse 1 reads: “The God of gods, the might Lord himself, has spoken! He shouts out over all the people of the earth, in every brilliant sunrise and every beautiful sunset, saying, “Listen to Me!” and verse 15: Honour Me by trusting in Me in your day of trouble. Cry aloud to me, and I will be there to rescue you. That is what I desire from you!
I want to leave you with these two thoughts:
He knows and He cares, He sees and He is able to restore to you everything that seems lost forever.
You choose. You decide and by His spirit, He will give you the grace to act on your decision, should you choose right. Storms will come, but you choose whether you sit out in the rain or whether you run into the safety and shelter of His everlasting arms.
Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! Deut. 30:19 NLT