I lost it. Again. Lost. It. Big time. In the middle of attending to some ladies at an alter call, after spending a glorious weekend in the presence of the Most High, I lost it. My frustration boiled over, my mouth ran away with me, and I snapped at an irritating brother. I was mad (at him, but mostly at myself), I felt embarrassed and for days afterward I wondered whether I was altogether qualified to be a minister of the Word.
Later, I spoke to a lovely sister, who asked me the same question…”I struggle with my relationships, I miss the mark sometimes, and my frustration gets the better of me…am I still qualified?”
This morning I heard my husband say exactly the same thing…”I dropped the ball, I am not qualified to speak into other’s lives”. I suspect this is a common area of suffering by anyone who has grasped the holiness of God and the high standard of conduct He expects from the Bride of Christ.
I also suspect we equate the fact that God is altogether perfect in every way to Him expecting perfection of us. Unless I get it 100% right, 100% of the time I am disqualified from serving Him and serving others.
Yet the Word of God is clear that we are not qualified or disqualified by our actions, or lack thereof. What qualifies us is our union with Christ and what disqualifies us is stubborn disobedience and rebellion. In the book of John we read the words of Jesus “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” (John 14:16 NIV). It’s not my weakness, my mistakes or my faults that disqualifies me, it’s sin. Weakness is not terminal, sin is and it leads to death. Always has, always will. Messing up isn’t terminal, giving up is. There is no coming back from that, which is why the enemy uses the tactics that he does. When we are discouraged enough or intimidated enough, we give up and bow out.
In the midst of all this, I read Psalm 50 and the Lord cut straight to my heart. Verses 14 and 15 says this: “Why don’t you bring me the sacrifices I desire? Bring me your true and sincere thanks, and show your gratitude by keeping your promises to me, the Most High. Honor me by trusting in me in your day of trouble. Cry aloud to me, and I will be there to rescue you! This is what I desire from you.” TPT
The Lord is not expecting me to cry to Him just when there is trouble on the “outside”, by also when there is trouble on the “inside”. I honor Jesus when I agree with Him that I am in need of a Savior, every moment of every day. I honor Him when I cry for help when my relationships fail, when my mouth runs away with me, when I mess up. The Lord did not expect us to clean ourselves up before presenting ourselves to Him. He accepted us as we were, yet we struggle on in our own strength, working so hard to keep it together and beating ourselves up when we fail.
In verse 23 of the same Psalm the Lord speaks to us, saying: “The life that pleases me is a life lived in the gratitude of grace, always choosing to walk with me in what is right. This is the sacrifice I desire from you! If you do this, more of my salvation will unfold for you! (TPT).
I have been saved, and as I walk with Him, daily He saves me (often from myself) and one day I will be permanently saved from even the presence of sin. My one recourse, for now, is to make the choice to walk with Jesus, over and over and over.
After THE incident, I deeply identify with David, as he prays a prayer of repentance after the prophet Nathan exposed his adultery with Bathsheba. He prays “For the source of Your pleasure is not in my performance or the sacrifices I might offer to you. The fountain of your pleasure is found in the sacrifice of my shattered heart before you. You will not despise my tenderness as I humbly bow down at your feet!” (Ps. 51: 16,17 TPT)
Friend, if you feel disqualified, if you are broken-hearted because, in spite all of your best intentions and valiant effort, you missed the mark, may I encourage you today that the Lord takes pleasure in your brokenness, not in your pain. He wants to be your Saviour and He has one goal – to perfect you into His image. Run to Him, not away from Him. Hide yourself in Him, not from Him. Hear me when I say, in Him, you are more than qualified for every good work.
Jesus, the Holy One, makes us holy. And as sons and daughters, we now belong to his same Father, so he is not ashamed or embarrassed to introduce us as his brothers and sister! (Hebr. 2:11 TPT